Solitary Confinement

Hip: Progress is slow. But there is progress. Getting all of those muscles strengthened again is a weird push/pull of determination versus paranoia. So much of this hip healing is a battle that happens every day in my head. I don’t see enough progress in a week and hi, I’m googling surgery options. (which. may still have to happen). Or I get a slight pain and I have to stop and question everything. Did I overdo it today? Am I getting worse? Is that just the feeling of sore muscles rebuilding themselves? I don’t trust myself or the signals my body is sending out. I am SO fearful of returning to a state of chronic pain that I’m having a really hard time trusting the process. Who knows if this is even the right process? (see?). But today as bundled up and headed down the mountain (the freezing temperatures. UGH.) to the rec center pool I thought a lot about how I want to be faithful, not fearful. Fear might keep me safe, but it won’t heal me. And every day, when certain realities set in, I really struggle to tune out the discouragement and think, “I’m HOPEFUL.” When I’m really not feeling it. But what I’ve noticed over the past few weeks is that my days are always better when I don’t give in. And when my days are better, I think I really am getting stronger.

Adding to my mental battles is the fact that most days of the week, I don’t talk to anyone outside my family.  I still don’t really have friends around here. And that’s okay. We’ve only been here a few months. Here’s the truth of it: People around here are straight-up awesome. Super nice. Very welcoming. Our neighbors to the south of us are a Jewish couple from California. They’ve renovated 6 homes. (!) She’s an artist and a sculptor (!!!). When we went to say hi and introduce our family, they invited all of us in and the wife kept saying how she wanted to have me and the kids over to try the pottery wheel. (Sam about died). (So did I). I could go on and on about my neighbors and what amazing people live up here. But to make friends, to have people really know you, it takes a little effort and a lot of time. I can go to every party, to church every Sunday, every social gathering there is, have the entire street over for playdates every week, and have the most amazing neighbors in the world, but it really does take time to ease into people’s lives. I know this. and truly, I’m okay with it. I’ve been making making efforts here and there and really have been enjoying getting to know new people. I’m sure, in about a year, I will be well on my way to having a few good friends who live around here. In the meantime: I’m inside my head. a lot. 

But wait. Do YOU have friends in close proximity to where you live? Is this normal? Sometimes I think I’ve been exceptionally blessed to have lived near amazing people my whole married life. People who have, through conversation, service, and friendship, truly enriched my life (and the lives of my children). It’s not like we socialized all that much, but there was always someone to call if I couldn’t make it to pick up my kids from school. Or if a baby was napping and I had to pick up a child, I’d run a baby monitor over to a neighbor’s house. There were so many people who filled in the gap and acted as aunts/moms/brother in laws, that I think of them as a second family. I wonder if I just lived in Wyview too long. …And maybe expect a level of friendship that most people living in normal neighborhoods aren’t really comfortable with.  (?) Who knows. Of course, the process of making friends requires a little vulnerability and getting out of one’s comfort zone. and YIKES. I’d rather just retreat into my bedroom with a book. (btw: Currently reading Lord of the Rings!). Although that doesn’t exactly mesh with my struggle to have faith, and not fear. heh. (deep breaths.)

I’m trying though.  It’s even on my resolution list this year. So hit me with your suggestions. (Christy, I loved your suggestion of inviting people over for lunch. I don’t know if I could do it with a half-renovated house…but I’ve been scouring for candidates.)

my goal for  the week: I’m going to make some brownies and take them over to my neighbor. and perhaps even set up a time to come try that pottery wheel. (!)

I have a ton more to blog but it will have to come in a second installment…